Unlike the reader and author who make snap judgments without any factual basis. If a man assumes the same attitude, how is that wrong while the woman is admired for being empowered and independent? Double standard much? I really like what you had to say on here Selena. My parents met at college, married, and stayed married for 44 years until my dad passed away.
My mom never remarried.
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I was ready to get married once, and had my world turned upside-down when that relationship suddenly ended to my surprise. I felt that I could no longer trust myself and my own judgement or be emotionally available again, after feeling like a total fool.
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I have friends and family who have been married and divorced, some multiple times. I helped one friend through a failed marriage, basically on suicide watch for weeks. I said when I was younger that I would only marry once. I am now 45, even though most folks are kind enough to say that I look much younger which I partly attribute that to not being married or the stress of having kids. I am also very much a loner, and really only recently started to think about having a life partner.
Your post at least lets me know that someone out there might also think there is still a chance for me to find love, even if I come with Red Flags! Thank you!!! I think you hit the nail on the head with the main concerns Evan. For example, if he claims to just not have met the right girl yet, is he doing things to meet more people that may be a match for him, etc.
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Understanding a situation and taking steps to correct it are key. My main advice to the letter writer would be to meet this guy as soon as possible. Meet and see if you even have the potential for a relationship in the first place. My take is that the farther the distance, the more difficult. I also doubt that a guy who is having lengthy phone conversations with you over a period of weeks is a player. Has he ever lived with anyone?
Been in a long-term relationship? Rules are great as guidelines, but let your own experience, knowledge, and gut feeling, be your guide. If they were really so committed, would the divorce rate be as high as it is? Being 42 and single, and having never married is not a red flag; at least not for me. Potential red flags come up after I know their history, as there can be reasonable and understandable explanations for their current status. I do not believe he is a player either, based on your experiences thus far. I think the biggest issue is the LTR situation. I hear from loads of men who live in different states from me, yet I will not engage them in anything long distance.
And honestly, I am always a little perplexed by the guys who continue to state that distance is not a problem for them, unless they are a traveler likely looking for an out-of-town fling. They could even be married. But this is not about me. If you feel that strong of a chemistry and connection with him, then try to meet as quickly as you can vs.
I advice people who have never been married to stay away from divorcees. In fact, some Jew said a really long time ago that it is adultery to marry a divorced person, or for a divorced person to remarry.
I would rather marry someone who is 21 and had never been married, even though I would not have much in common with her, than I would marry a divorcee of any age. Great advice. I think if a 42 year old man I was interesting in told me he had never been married, I would be listening with a raised brow. One thing I have learned the hard way is to really, really listen to what he tells you, no matter how significant it may seem, including jokes, stories of other people, you name it, because there are clues there, big ones.
If you let someone talk long enough, they will tell you everything you need to know. If I were single I would be leery of them if I wanted marriage or something long lasting. Well, this is a topic I can relate to.
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First of all…Steve, guy you definitely spoke words of wisdom and truth,standing O. Searchingwithin, you also shed some great light on this as well. If you are a believer maybe you should refer to Him with His name. Some people may or may not believe as you or I do. With respect…. When we marry things do change…some for the better some for the worse. We learn, I know I have, alot about being married. So, with that being said listening to the above comments and Evan…my viewpoint has changed. No one knows the actual events that led up to both of my divorces.
There you have it…. Like Searchingwithin said, after many conversations…. Lots of stories out there…many different stories with nothing cookie cutter about them. Investigage everything! My thought process was there for my own protection….
Trying to find the safest best bet I can. Can I really? No pain, no gain as the bodybuilders like to say…feel the fear and do it anyway…. Hang in there Kate, just be aware of the red flags….
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Sometimes it was just a gut feeling, but it was a warning nonetheless. Major Red Flags, imho. This time last year I ended it with a 43 year old never married man, found out he was a passive-aggressive player, by listening to what he said about the women in his past. No … seriously?
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Actually, a married man was the first to point this out to me. But the more I did so, he argued against my opinion — as if he were inside my head. But we are not talking about that. Is that what you want? What is going on with him? He went on to interrogate her like a homicide detective until he came to the same conclusion as the aforementioned male voice of reason.
I can show you several men who are not gay or insane, the gentelmen whom you were with is not gay or crazy awards dinner ask him. I find it decidedely offensive that you would even entertain such nonsense on such a broad scale. Surely, 2 guys can speak for the whole population of single men over How so many variables that take place in life, can be broken down to being crazy or gay. I am a 40 year old single black father of a four year old daughter.
I am neither crazy or gay. However, I am a fulltime student, I work for a living, and as i said before, i am a single parent. I don't have alot of time to just dedicate to meeting the ladies. On top of that I think it would be irresponsible on my part to rush my daughter into a marriage just for the sake of saying I have a wife.
Am I oppsed to the concept of marriage? Not at all. I think everybody wants to be with someone they love and that loves them back. However circumstances don't always give us what we want. I think people get married for alot of the wrong reasons. To appease someone, or they could be in love with the concept of marriage, and not the person they are married to.
They get divorced and be married again in a year. Personally, I think that breaking up is hard enough in real relationships when you aren't attached to someone legally and financially. I want to make sure the person I end up with is in it for the long haul, and I suggest that they know the same. If he is in his 40s, God has probably already sent his wife to him, and he ran in the other direction — for one reason … or another.
We as a whole have not been very supportive of those who wish to marry. Admit it. I understand the side of the coin that you refer to. But, It is very small minded to think that every man or woman must be married by a certain age. Moreover, with all the marriages breaking up and the single man sees this, all of his friends that have gotten married, all are divorce. It makes anybody wonder whether it is worth it. It is nothing wrong with not getting married. What about all the older women who are not married.